doehlert

im getting ready to get ready. im working on understanding the components of like that i find home and comfort in. things that i can emulate to eventully make my space a place were i dont simpilly feel safe but a place that would actully feel and smell like home. a place i could really disolve into and love to be in. filled with things that make me happy. being honest with myself on the things i trully love regardless of others opions of them in my life. like how i love absolutlly love christmiss lights. how i love danglly lights, how i love garlin, and those gumball machines. they make sleeping bag sheets. big pillows and a whole display of soap. book shelves to make a libreary. plastic glow in the dark stars. the little robot fan. finding the pices of my childhood that were taken for granted. and that i will go back as an adult and find to bring home to make mine and love without hesitation and without worie. to take the hand of my inner child and build a home that we both feel

i have alot of shit to fix. i have alot of shit to do. most of the things i need to fix, will take aloot of time. the shit i still need to do will be hard as fuck but managable. managing is what i do.

i want to do all the small things that i need to. i want to grab the sunlight and twist it into beautifull art. i want to sit up and shake off this veil and shawl of chains. but im weighted down. like some one took my motivation hooked it to a hook and hucked it over the side of this little boat hovering over verry verry deep waters. and i just look down into the rippling abuiss and wonder if anything will catch it so i can get back what some how got tossed over the side as bait for something that live in the deep dark. the things that pop into my brain is to make something sweet treat with lemon. to make a big cup of lemon tea and find a recipi to bake a little lemon loaf. this sound honistlly great. i dont feel like i have energy. i kind of feel like my will to do anything is gone. i miss joe. i miss my mom. i miss my job. i miss my work. i miss alot. but i dont miss the anxioty that made me want to die.